* TRIGGER WARNING *
this issue is becoming a bottomless pit for me.
careful reflection on this topic has led me to my earliest memories of sexual activity. preschool age, i was seduced by my female cousin. she had been abused by our uncle (she later disclosed but that is another story). we called it "playing house", and it was something we did at every available secret opportunity.
this was my first sexual contact with a female, and it has haunted me ever since. i had no idea what she was doing, but it was so intensely pleasurable, i cannot think about it without becoming aroused. so i avoid thinking about it.
she was definitely in control. she initiated. she set the rules and defined the roles. i was the "daddy" and she was the "mommy".
i can't remember why or when it stopped, but i know we did it numerous times. it was not actual sx, but we tried, in our ignorance to perform as "mommy and daddy".
i used to think that her and i shared something special.
my memories of this time in my life were once fond, but now it hurts to write this. once, i tried to confront her about it as an adult, but she said she did not want to discuss it. she blamed my uncle. when she disclosed this incest abuse to the police and they began an investigation, my family rallied around the uncle and attacked the victim. i have vivid memories of my mother screaming "liar" and "wh*re!" at her. i lost whatever trace of respect i had for my mother at that moment. there was not much respect there, but it disappeared. i knew i had to get away from her for my own survival. i have been trying unsuccessfully to live without my mother since i was 12 years old (1973).
i was the only person in the entire family who stood by my cousin, because i knew she was telling the truth. i told her that i believed her and would stand by her, but she has long since left town and cannot be reached.
the rest of the family that did not actively attack her, did not want to get involved.
they refuse to "take sides" or even discuss the situation, and to this day they act like it never happened.
if i bring it up, they tell me they do not wish to dwell on negative subjects and prefer to mindlessly discuss mundane meaningless matters.
i have not seen my cousin in almost 20 years.
the uncle has been in the hospital for about five years, with my sisters and his sisters looking after his emotional needs.
he has a substantial net worth, and they are all making sure that they get their share. he has never married, never even had a girlfriend, has no children, and plans on leaving his money to only those family members that have stood by him.
needless to say, my female cousin is not in the will, nor am i.
and so it goes.
was this abuse?
was i abused?
certainly not by my cousin who was also a child and the same age as me.
this would seem to be some sort of extended form of sexual abuse,
collateral damage brought upon me by my uncle via one of his child victims (there were more than one).
i can hardly blame her, and in fact i do not hold any grudge against her. none whatsoever.
does anyone here have any comments that might help me?
feel the need for feedback.
accepting PM's on this topic. very confused by these memories.