This is in regards to my family of origin- I have already shared the "times" which have so messed me up. I am number 6 of 7 siblings. So needless to say, a great effort is placed to keep that pecking order from long ago in place. I stopped long ago trying for validation because I went off to school (like Si, the first of the generations to graduate with a 4 yr degree). Then I moved away for work, etc., and just didn't have to deal with the negative family dynamics.
I'm trying really hard to keep this brief...
I received a phone from a brother who seems to have relationship issues with most of his siblings. Always angry with one or the other, and the youngest of us he refuses to speak to. I have always gotten along with him because I have ignored and avoided and stayed silent as he describes all he does and all he is.
Yeah, he is one of the brothers that sent me away when I was little, little... 4. If you recall, they wouldn't let me play with them, etc. When I went off to college, they thought it was a joke, I was a joke, and my whole life was lacking something. Even as I had my own family. I just gradually removed myself from the destructive dynamics. Especially since I have been single.... oh, my.
The topic of the phone call was to express his concern that MY SON was visiting his grandmother (my mom). And the last time he came, he brought his wife's parents with him. Brother took it upon himself to call and tell me that shouldn't happen, how disrespectful it was of MY SON, and how he (the brother) was just being over protective of his mother.
Of course, it went downhill as soon as he said the visit from my son was disrespectful to my mom.
From MS, from being pretty emotionally mature, from therapy and from just being a good dad ... I stayed in the present. I did... so proud. No dissociation . No refusal to acknowledge that this call, from the moment he said, "I have something on my mind", was meant to do nothing more than control the extended family and keep me in my place as one of the younger siblings.
... and no refusal of recognition that when I didn't agree with him that my son shouldn't bring his inlaws to visit momma, .... he sought to control by a personal attack on my son.... who btw... is a reflection of the beliefs in spirit (kind, gentle, loving).
I drew the boundary early (thank you for teaching me that it is okay with the family of origin to say- "that's enough"- men of MS) letting brother know he was very much out of place. ...told him I wasn't interested in his opinion regarding my sons, and that the relationship between grandmother and grandson was their relationship... not the grandson, grandmother and "his". (And I was the "go- to" guy if grandmother had a problem... which she didn't... because I made that call just to clarify.)
You know, older brother ended by saying he was hanging up because he didn't want to say something he would regret... I let him know he had all ready said too much. But he attempted to continue with that control thing by hanging up abruptly. Imagine if someone calls to share their "opinion" over a matter that is totally out of their sphere of concern, and they say horrible things about your children for no apparent reason...
Why would an uncle want to come between his nephew and his grandmother? Why would he risk tearing 50% of MY FAMILY away from me... (the family of origin is still ME in the eyes of the inlaws.... )?
Do you think it is a jealousy thing? An unspoken insecurity? Or just a dislike for me as an independent brother who is living his own life?
I am wasting a lot of energy just thinking about this... not worrying about the brother, but just thinking about the issues and my son.
I am at risk of losing my son, his wife and son, and her parents because this one member of the family is saying they are not welcome. I haven't told the son yet because I am afraid he will be so hurt and so upset, that he will cut me off as a by-product of his reaction. I do have to tell him, because his inlaws love my mom and want to visit with her, and sooner or later they and my son will encounter the "drama brother". And he is just a jerk with his constant opinion. Any suggestions on how to tell the son?
This is just an example of what a lot of you have described with the emotional abuse that goes hand in hand with the sexual abuse of yester-year. And I am trying really hard not to let it take me back in time. But my God!... when will the abuse end.? Evidently, it isn't true that when you say no, it stops.... .. I am 55 friggin yrs old... and still they come after me.
Yikes... and I was just thinking that life might be getting easier... btw, again... I find myself wondering what other great revelations my brother fought back from telling me because he "might regret" it. If I hear, I will let you guys know. Oh, gee, maybe I am single and having sex... LOL... I don't know... just bugs me.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.