Thanks, guys. It takes brave brave men to talk so openly and share. And I appreciate it. I don't know how I feel. I can't describe how I feel. Some of the things you guys said I can relate to and some I haven't experienced.

It is like death is constantly peeking over my shoulder. And I think once in a while of what it would be like, but I dont think I am suicidal. I hae this sense of forboding- like well, if I pullit together this time, again, someone will just arrive and take it from me in a vicious way. So its a daily fear of being.

I feel some anger at times, but it quickly dissipates. I was rebuilding that sense of self, and the recent comments about behavior and feminization and taking it from both ends have sent me back down the path of " what a total piece of crap" I must be. AND I KNOW ITS NOT TRUE, but there I am.

But like Suwanee said, I feel this river's current taking me to a not so distant place that I don't want to go. And I am fighting against the current with everything I've got, really am. I just dont want to be swept away and to land on the shore of total emotional devastation. I don't. I don't want to be lost again because I am afraid I can't find my way back.
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For now we see through a glass, darkly.