This is really long and rambly. But helps me think.
I'm 24 just finishing university. Right now I'm pretty depressed again which isn't helpful. Exam period has started and I'm starting to get depressed again (concentration getting less, more sleepy, feeling hopeless). So I'd take a pass for my degree right now even though my potential would of been much higher had I not had a bad few years with depression, CSA recovery and being suicidal.
Anyway I haven't ever had a proper girlfriend. Sure when I was like 10-12 years old I had girlfriends but I've never been in a teen or adult relationship. My non blood uncle was my perp from 14-21/22 years old. Looking back on it now he pretty much controlled me with grooming, non threatening, taking advantage of my sexual naivety, taking advantage of the fact I hated my Dad and I had always looked upto my friend's fathers and male relatives. I didnt realise at the time how much control he had over all areas of my life- the dissociation part of me must of just blocked it out. Yeah that all pisses me off looking back at that time of my life. The police investigation against my perp is on going hopefully a trial in next 3-4 months so I'll have revenge.
So my life right now. Finishing university in next 4 weeks hope I don't fail but I might fail one of my exams as I'm not mentally fit right now- bad time but that's life I guess. It doesn't stress me out.. I think subconsciously I know I could commit suicide if I over stress myself so my mind is going easy on my body to stop me doing anything stupid. Got the police/perp investigation on my mind luckily I've been able to think less and less about this over the last week. I think the exams are dominating part of my brain so not got time to worry about a trial or the recurrent trauma from my perp. I'm really poor at the moment. Like £14,000 personal debt due to my gambling problem so living very basically. That isnt stressing me out Im happy to just have enough food and no money means cant gamble. I mention the debt as I feel that it affects my ability to pursue women at the moment as lack of money = restriction on spending on social things/presents/going out not ideal when you're looking for love. I generally have a ok self esteem surprising considering the pressures I have to put up with. Im honest to my friends and family who I disclosed my CSA and even though they did treat me like shit since disclosure or not been supportive that doesnt depress me at the moment. Its like I'm willing to drop them from my future life. My parents included. It just makes it hard to meet a potential partner. Sure I could lie to impress women put the mask on pretend my life is better than it is, Im an expert at this got 10 years experience. But I dont want to lie anymore. Ive cut my lying out with people I have disclosed to about CSA. But those I havent I lie more frequently as I go into my old ways of projecting humour, confidence, the sort of allurement to draw people to me as I seem fun, happy and going places in life- yet inside I'm just dead and living day to day with little hope for a sustainable future just lots of anger about my CSA.
Anyway so the girl I have a crush on at the moment. She is a room mate in my university halls. Known her like 9 months. Shes portugese 22 years old. The first 5-6 months I didnt know her at all as I was so depressed at the time that I spent most of that time in bed or isolated. But none of my room mates knew I was depressed as when ever they did see me I seemed happy and I'm good at dominating conversations setting the tone of interaction so no one picked up on the fact I was so suicidal and just wanted to jump off a building. But the last month or two my depression has been reduced and I've spent more time with my room mates.
I'm very good at reading people, emotions, body signs, reading into when sarcasm, bluntness or disinterest is being portrayed by a talker. I'd make a good interrogator or negotiator. Im pretty good at live poker. Anyway the girl I have a crush on she is very driven, strong minded and has a way of pretending she cares about something more than she does. I dont mean this as a criticism as she isn't a bad person I just get the idea that her current set of university friends are more friends out of necessity than on genuine merits. So when I interact with her I always call her out on being sarcastic, evil, not caring or being miserable. I guess I do this because she bites when I give her a little personal attack/insult and I act very jestfully, I'm able to be light hearted, humoured when some of my words could be perceived as hostile if I was more cold. But I get away with a lot when I talk with people and I think I enjoy random conversation as people are less able to fake/pretend with me as I catch them off guard. I'd drop a random question in every now and then like would you ever kill anyone and if so why? or if you could have one thing what would it be? I feel alot of people think I'm a bit weird/ goofy but I pick up a lot of information about people from these little questions. I pick up how comfortable people are on topics, whether they are having to think hard and perhaps that split second thought process is useful to know for future reference as it is a subtle tell whether some one may deviate from their usual narrative or if they're lying or telling the truth. Im an exceptional liar, as I mentioned I dont use this as much any more as it pisses me off triggers me of my past. Anyway I interact with the girl I fancy and a few months ago she would give me some banter back she signposted herself as a go getter, but a little unsure in herself which I found odd as she is pretty but I can see she is inexperienced with men or doesnt seem to realise how pretty she is. She is quite boyish in that she would not want to lose a little conversation with me, she laughs quite frequently so I don't think she finds me funny as although I make her laugh she laughs so often that I don't think she finds me exceptionally funny. So until recently I thought she just enjoyed my random conversations as I'm more random than all the generic posh boys I live with her are very boring. I never thought of her as girl friend material because I find spanish girls dont like me. Im english and we're so different to spanish people that I've never been able to get along with spanish girls so I thought well being judgmental that as portugal and spain are very similar then she'll probably not like english guys either.
So 6 months ago she tells us all she is starting a job in London in the summer with a very good starting salary £35,000 for a graduate. 2 weeks ago she gets a phone call from her future employer saying she was their favourite intern and there is a position come up and she has been offered it so she will now start on £55,000 and not have to the graduate scheme. So congrats to her. So I was discussing with a friend from home about her job and my friend replied you should marry her- obviously taken in the form of joking and just approval of her doing well. So I talk to another friend about job hunting and again I say a girl I live with is starting her job in london ect and again this friend says you should marry her. I thought this was odd that two friends said this as they re not the married types they re players and it was out of character so I found it funny. So later that day I told the girl (I now like) about how everyone is telling me to marry her but I said it jokingly just because I was bored and I guess I like to share jokes/ make up jokes so I was joking that she has a queue of my friends who dont even know her who would marry her in a heartbeat. I also guess I like to give people compliments if they genuinely deserve them as I know how nice it is to be complimented.
Anyway the next day she starts the conversation with me about this marriage proposal carrying on with the jokes about it. So as I'm very quick thinker I just make a joke up on the spot about it like saying well you've motivated me to do well in my exams as if I fail I'll have to be a house dad.
Then the day after again she brings up a marriage joke. So we joke about it some more. One of her university friends who I know she isn't really close to her in the sense she would probably not be close to her in 5 years but at the moment they probably chat she brings up a reference to me marrying her. So again I just joke it off. But in my mind I see it as the girl I like is probably just bored and its something to talk about but its stuck in her mind as a topic. Not to say that wants me to marry her but I think she saw it as a compliment in the context of her doing well in life.
Anyway over the last few days I've noticed her stealing glances at me a lot. Like 6 of us are sitting in the kitchen Im on my laptop and she keeps just looking at me. Then diverting her eyes. And it's silent and she'll say to me what am I doing. And I'll just say studying and cut it short where normally I'll say something silly or a abstract anecdote but I'm trying to study at the moment. But the frequency of her looking at me and no one else I just get the idea that there is some attraction there. Or she is wondering whether there is some attraction there. She's single at the moment and I've seen some of my other room mates try it on with her and flirt and she deflects it. It makes me chuckle as each time I just knew the guy was not getting anywhere and she was signalling to the guy she wasnt interested.
So right now I get the idea she might be interested. It wouldn't dishearten me if I was wrong. What annoys me is that I don't know how to approach her. I mean I could easily ask her out or be direct and say do you want to foul around/ casually. What I mean is I'm torn. I could easily lie to her use her for some sexual contact manipulate her if she was interested for a few weeks. But I don't want to do that. I guess the csa in me is making me really think about the feelings of both parties in any sexual relationship and I don't want to be a dick. But then again I don't particularly want anything serious at the moment with any one. I would like to just lose my virginity get some experience have some harmless fun for the mutual benefit of me and the girl treating it as just sex. But I feel this girl I would only have the chance now to be with her. Be it short term or long term. I really like her personality as she is challenging she is more open with me than most girls but I guess I draw most people more out of their skin even if she is generally more shy and reserved with other guys.
I look at life as you only live once. Im not afraid of rejection. I guess Im a bit intimidated by her at the moment as I would have 2 approaches. One is be honest but then that would make me seem less desirable due to no money, family problems, trial with my perp and CSA, and whenever I bring up CSA with anyone I become very angry if they piss me off so that would open up a completely different side of me to her. Completely opposite to maybe what is making me attractive to her now. I'm quite pretty, I come across as happy, confident, but with my CSA I'm a bit of a monster when I talk about it face to face and I give no one any room for error if they say something I dont want to hear. The other option would be to just bluntly say to her would she like to just mess around like young people do. Sure this is most likely going to get a NO response as I know women don't want to look like they're being just used for sex and women prefer a boyfriend than a fuck buddy. But that would be the closest to me being honest. I'm not in a good place at the moment to have a relationship. Too much shit going on not fair on someone else to lie to them or make them upset over all the crap I have going on. So the other option is dont do anything about it. Just miss out. I hate this option but maybe its for the best. The best for her as I feel at the moment she is too good for me. Her life is going very well for her. Im dysfunctional uncertain future. I feel I have a great future maybe in few years after all this shit has passed- may be that is just optimism. But in the last 10 years Ive missed out on a lot of potential relationships encounters or one night stands due to my csa and I dont like the thought of keep missing out on opportunities. I guess the CSA has made me have more empathy for not causing emotional turmoil involving any sexual contact even though it is natural for men and women to have relationships or causal sex and there to be problems after. The good with the bad.
I think I'm more attracted to her recently as well due to her stature with the job and salary making her more powerful. Added with her strong personality at times, sure she has admitted weaknesses to me like she cries on her own alot but that is another sign of strength being honest admitting some weakness.Long term I need a woman who is strong just to put up with my mood swings and challenge my behaviour.
So sorry this has been a long ramble. I'm just so torn. It's like I just want to kiss or cuddle. Just to lie with someone feel someone's body next to mine. I guess I just see a guy as a bullshitter if he presents himself in any form which is false just for the purpose to get a girl interested and then keeping it up is unfair. Im not an arsehole I know I should just not get too serious with any girl at the moment but it is not easy just doing nothing and then in the future thinking what if. And she is a real catch so I guess in a odd way I think if I was with her and it didnt work out then I cheated her out of some time where she was better off with out me in her life or that I'll act in a way where I dont like the fact she is doing better than me at the moment in terms of a job and salary. Money doesnt drive me at all but I would find it intimidating if I was unemployed for a long time and she is on a massive salary would make me feel shit about myself even if I was with her and she made me feel good as well.
If you read all of that sorry for the length once I started I just carried on and on.