Yeah, the real killer for me is that since OCD is so doubt centered, I either find myself going back and analyzing every experience I've ever had that could have been even remotely "gay", or wondering if I'm somehow closeted.

What's difficult about this is that some times, this can apparently be how people who are coming out of the closet can think. Apparently the differences are that they find those thoughts pleasurable, not alarming. I don't know, because the only gay friend I have told me he knew when he was about 4 and only tried dating girls to throw people off.

Me, on the other hand, I just believed that because of what happened I must have been gay. After being sexualized by the experiences from my cousin, that was really the only reference I had to anything sexual. I didn't know what a vagina looked like or how it worked, I just new that sex, as it was defined in the encyclopedia at the time, involved a penis and a vagina.

So as time went on, I held this belief that I must be gay or bisexual because of what went down and because of how I was acting at puberty whenever I got turned on (which was of course to re-enact what happened between me and my cousin). This makes it all the more confusing for me, because I don't remember seeing a girl and thinking "wow, she's attractive!" until I was 14. Even then, I did nothing about it because I thought it was something I couldn't have - she wouldn't take it seriously, I'd bother her, thoughts like that.

Throughout high school I would sometimes try and watch gay porn that resembled what happened with my cousin. I hated that I would react to it. This continued every now and then through high school and a little into college before I finally went in to therapy. I felt like I was innately not gay, but I had all this other stuff going on that seemed contrary.

I still have not found a SINGLE mental health professional who thinks I'm gay, and my trauma specialist who I really spilled my guts too and told EVERYTHING to didn't think I was either, and she regularly works with gay people frequently. After doing therapy with her, any compulsions I had to watch gay porn disappeared and I stopped feeling a need to sit there and check out other guys "just to make sure". I spoke with both my parents and some close family members, and they all said the same thing. "It doesn't make a damned bit of difference what you are, as long as you're happy". So I asked my mom, because sometimes mothers have an intuitive sense of whether their kids are gay or not gay. Told her about the gay porn, everything. She basically said "If you feel like you were victimized, none of what you told me is uncommon. For the record, I have never once thought that you were gay". She also told me "have you ever noticed that this thought never enters your head or bothers you until you get majorly stressed or are on the verge of a major life decision?" Again, she and several of my therapists believe I use this thought pattern to distract myself from other problems, as it is time consuming and essentially not a question that can easily be answered.

Last time this started, I at least had a solid reason to be questioning things. I was at that time watching gay porn often to "test" myself. Now, about 3.5 years later, I've gone back to the same thought pattern, only this time I arrived at it because I'm 26, totally inept with women, and in contrast to my other male friends appear to have little to no sex drive, leading me to believe that something must be wrong. I think of past experiences I've had with women, I get an erection quickly. I think of past experiences with my cousin or things of that nature, and although I get an odd sensation in my groin, I do not get turned on. But now I am wondering if the only way I'll ever really settle this is to try experimenting with another guy. Given my OCD nature about things though, that strikes me as a terrible and potentially dangerous thing to do. If I didn't like it, would I keep going "are you sure? What if you did? The fact that you did it in the first place must mean something."

Naturally, this comes at a time when I am leaving a stable, but miserable job, moving to a relatively isolated area, and hearing about how my friends are starting to get married. It seems like all my other friends have their lives together with girlfriends/fiances, careers,and a defined plan for the future, and I am just drifting.