I haven't been on the board for a long time, but I have been having some problems lately and needed to get some advice from other guys that may have had experience with dealing with CSA and child pornography.
I was pulled into child pornography by a coach, and was raped and abused on camera when I was 8-10 (this was over 20 years ago). I have only had flashes of memories from that time, and remember a large, hot light being shown on me during the filming/photography. I know that the main perp filmed himself and other men having sex with me. I still have a hard time processing that I was being raped by men as a child and no one knew. And that I never told.
I am starting to remember more than this now, and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling paralyzed and scared and afraid to move. I really have to talk myself out of it and get myself to a calmer place to get out of that mode.
This has impacted me my whole life. Even as a grown man, I have problems being in front of people and being the center of attention. I can't change in front of anyone, not even my partner. I can't use the bathroom around other guys. I always feel like that spotlight is on me, and I get flushed and red and freeze, like a deer in the headlights.
I get so angry about this and sometimes just don't know what to do about it. I feel like there are people out there right now looking at it, looking at me at my most scared and vulnerable, and that there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like I am still a victim because this could be happening right now as we speak.
From there, I start this cycle of reading about child pornography statistics, reading stories of missing or exploited kids (like Johnny Gosch), really immersing myself in what may be really unhealthy and triggering topics. Then, I feel so overwhelmed about all of the monsters out there that make this shit and do this stuff to kids. It is such a big and twisted web. And add to that other abused kids, kidnapped kids, church abuse, boy scout abuse. Where does it stop?
I feel like I want to do something about it. I want to find out the truth about my past, learn more about who my abuser was, if he was ever busted. I want to be part of taking these assholes down in some way. I want to press charges. I want to delete all my pictures and videos from all the blasted servers in the world.
I can't figure out what to do about that and where to start. I can't remember all the details. And I end up just feeling powerless and a victim all over again, despite all of the hard work and successes that I have made in my recovery.
I guess I am just needing to vent and wanting some feedback on what other guys who were abused using child pornography do to deal with these feelings and if you can recommend anything that helps get over these feelings/episodes?
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."