I guess I should put a trigger warning just in case.
I know I've got a problem. I know that anger is a common reaction and even a stage in the grieving process. I'll assume that someone would suggest a therapist or the like.
I've fallen into a bit of a trap lately-- using alcohol and self-injury lately as a way to distract from hurting or angering others. I get so terribly pissed at myself. Anger is filtering from every aspect of trying to recover or remembering stuff.
I'll try and keep this succinct, but there were troubling thoughts where I put myself as the abuser mentally in my memories and have been sleeping poorly and waking up with lots of anger at everyone, especially myself.
Now I'm ruining friendships because I can't be any fucking better than I am. I'm resisting the urge to drink right now mostly only because I have to work tomorrow, but I've really lost all concern for myself.
Today, thankfully, I know someone bothered to call me out on it in the chat and know I'm knowing I'm a manipulative person whether I want to or not. Maybe... I know this is a weird request: if anyone would know of a good way to feel this self hatred and stop hurting people? I just know I'm a burden and other choices are too hurt-prone possibly for people in real life who might want me around for whatever reason, but I need to know if people have pointers on how to withdraw from others more so I can keep them safe.
I can't live with this anger anymore. I hate myself for feeling it.