Hi guys

gotta write this off my chest. Since one and a half year on returning from a vacation i tried on a pair of pantyhose and it became a sort of obsession. Tried all kinds of ladies underwear, even though i couldnt really understand why. I've been able to disclose this to my mother and i know i should bring it up in therapy once, but still havent found the proper moment.

I threw all the underwear away after my mother came into my house one day; i was afraid of being found out and i thought she found the bag. However, she never mentioned it - not even when i disclosed it.

The strange thing is, wearing female underwear actually makes me feel good and horny. But since i discovered the abuse, i dont know what to think of it anymore. Is this some kind of acting out, by trying to be more feminine?

I'm getting more and more convinced i'm not actually gay, i'm just lacking in trust to start a real relationship. The more i look at it, the more i see how everything is sexualized in my life. And because i'm too afraid to really open up and allow people close to me, i have to either keep all the sexual energy inside or act it out in this way.

I find women in pantyhose very attractive, but it feels that i'm a little too obsessed with it all. Aargh.. its just so frustrating not to what normal is or to decide whether something is acceptable or not.. jojo'ing is making me go crazy lol

thanks for reading and please share with me if you recognize any of it or have a similar problem/issue!

Cheers
OCN
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Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!