I have amnesia for my abuse. I've gotten bits and pieces of abuse I never knew about until 2 years ago, coming as tactile flashbacks mostly, a few nightmares, and a few visual flashes. So, I've got dissociative amnesia. Right now, for reasons I won't go into for brevity's sake, I suspect my father of being the abuser.
The problem with this is: my older brother (by 13 months), St (we'll call him St), slept in the same room as me until highschool. I don't ever remember a time I had my own room until he left for college. My flashbacks ALL point toward me having been abused in bed at night. But how would my father have been able to be molesting me right near my older brother, and my older brother not seem to remember anything whatsoever?
Could he have drugged him? Do kids that age REALLY sleep that deeply? Could my dad have only touched me, since rape would have been pretty much impossible with my older brother nearby. Btw, we shared a queen bed at times- and other times we shared a bunkbed. I figure he only could have done it when we slept in bunkbeds. I was always scared to sleep in a room alone without my big brother. I was his little shadow and he was my hero. But then something strange happened.
Around the age of 10 or 11, he and I were sleeping together in a single queen bed at the time, I began getting fearful of sleeping with my back to him lest I tempt him to think about raping me, and I was uncomfortable facing him, with his back or face to me (both bad options). So I began sleeping with my feet by his head, and vice versa. Head to foot. It quelled all my sexual anxieties, so I could have a good night's sleep. Why did I do this?
But again, the question remains, how does my dad manage to molest me while I'm sharing a room with my brother. The only fragments of memory I've seen indicate being molested in my own bed. But perhaps in time I'll recover memories of him taking me out of the room (perhaps on the pretense of making sure I go so I don't wet the bed), or of him doing it to me in completely different settings. I suppose my brother always being there in bed might not completely make it impossible for my father to be my molester.
But could we also BOTH have dissociative amnesia for it?