Man....I don't know what to say. Yes - that was some seriously messed up shit. You have every right to feel 'damaged' by what happened to you. It was painful to read.
I think you hit the nail onthe head here....
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!
I know for certain that if a female person were to tell a tale of having been sexually tormented by a male child who was a year older and a lot bigger than her for years, no one would be questioning whether or not it constituted abuse. Especially if that older male child had involved other male children in the sex play and they kind of ganged up on her. Even if actual intercourse had only taken place in one instance, and only for a moment, as it may have in mine, no one would question for a second whether or not she had been abused. Perhaps that's the perspective I need to keep all this in.
I was abused by a boy 2 years older than me when I was 10-12. For me it comes down to the pschological 'mind games' and the power they had over us that make it abuse rather than 'experimentation'. The sex acts themselves do not make it abuse .... but the way you were manipulated does.
Thanks for sharing this part of your story in such detail.
Damn it was looooong.
but I am honoured you shared it with us and feel I understand you better.