Im so sorry that you are experiencing such pain, it is difficult for you, I can imagine after a 21 year marriage I was in fell apart.
I am a survivor, and I read this with tears in my eyes that another family is falling apart.

You are unfortunately hoping for a man that has learnt over many many years not to feel emotions, to suddenly feel.
As a Survivor, I could have walked away from a 20 year marriage and easily left my daughter behind and thought nothing off it. As a healed semi normal person, I could never contemplate this.

Your H has not had any healing, has not dealt with his past and you are asking him to feel?
As for the lady that he is courting, does she think that he wont do this to her?
I am sorry to say this, but you are dying inside and he is doing what I did, Ignore it and it will go away.
If he does not go into healing, then I would consider moving on, hard to do I know but something that you might have to seriously contemplate.

Until he faces his past, don't expect anything.
Perhaps you should consider bringing the bottom up, ruining his world, but remember that this too could backfire, and that would completely destroy any chance of reconciliation.

I hope this gives you some insight, I know that it doesn't help you much, but you need to start caring for you and the kids now.

My prayers are with you
Martin
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