Not even sure where I might start, but I'm here because I don't know what else to do and hoping there are others like me.
I'm a 40-something, heterosexual male who was molested by an older sister sporadically from age 11-13. I also grew up in a home with a mentally ill mother who I love, but essentially abandoned me and I've been on my own since I was a teenager. I've been in therapy at times throughout the years and learned that this isn't all that uncommon. I don't have any confusion with my sexual identity, never considered anything other than the opposite sex, but I continue to struggle with the aftermath; or so I'm told.
I've been married, but divorced for several years. My friends think I'm some kind of sexual super hero, but I feel depressed on most days and learned through therapy that my sexual behaviors are a result of the trauma. I take those sexual addiction tests and come out as a sex addict every time.
My behavior is everything from porn stars, prostitutes, online encounters, cheating on amazing women who deserve better, days and days of wasted time-surfing the net for sexual encounters, web cam, sex with strippers in the club and all kinds of other things I'm ashamed of. I've met hundreds of women and been told I can talk anyone into bed. Even walking down the street, my mind just goes to that place and I feel the addiction. I liken it to what a heroin addict must feel and most times, I can't stop myself from the behavior.
The worst part of all this, is that I've met someone I want to spend my life with and my predicament seems to be getting worse. I think I've finally figured out that a NORMAL sexual relationship has a negative effect on me. I'm with someone who is beautiful inside and out and I have a lot of trouble getting aroused with a woman who would basically do anything for me. It's like I crave a loving/sexual relationship and yes I said LOVING, but...I'll pursue someone sexually who isn't even in the same league and be turned on the entire time, just to complete the deed and sink into guilt and depression. I even laugh and talk to myself when I know it's happening again and I feel like I'm giving up on any control I have.
This has happened in other relationships, but I think I understand it better now. I feel like I'm sabotaging my current relationship and beginning down the path of self destruction, yet again. This isn't the person I feel like I am and certainly not the person I want to be. I'm half way done with my life and still never really started a life of my own. I want a family and I want a REAL, loving relationship. I have that now, but I'm screwing it up (at least in private) and I want to stop all of this. My therapist tells me to confront my mother and sister, but my mother isn't around an I don't think it would go well. I believe my sister was molested too and I really don't care to find out, or care at all. I'm afraid talking to her will just make it worse. I feel like she'll deny it and freak out, ending what little relationship we have. It's crazy how the abused worry about their abusers, but I do care about them and I can't explain why.
At this point, I'm lost and at the end of my rope. So much so, that I'm pouring out very private things on a website, just hoping there are others who can help me understand this and maybe, just help...I don't want to live with this pain anymore and I don't want to feel like such a filthy person anymore. I don't want to live like this and I hate that even today, when people talk about their forst sexual experiences, I always make up a story, instead of telling them I was molested. I hate that a NORMAL relationship has an adverse sexual effect on me and I find myself looking for something more risque and dirty. I'm sick of feeling this way.