If you find out Markk please let me know we are so similar maybe it would apply. I am not sure why it doesn't seem to improve sometimes. but at other times it feels like maybe, just maybe there is hope. those are the times I long for. just keep writing man it is the best vent we have.
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville