...I sometimes feel I am a time bomb that cannot be disarmed. I need to figured out the code before the time runs out.
For most of us, the road to recovery is a long and rough one. Yours might be different, but it may be wise not to set your heart on a quick turnaround. Just keep moving forward, keep working on it any ways you can, and it will take however long it takes.
Personally I believe that recovery is a process that we never fully complete, we just continually make progress on it. Those that stick to it become able to live with what happened, and overcome some of its worst effects on us. But the only closure really comes at our life's end.
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell