Originally Posted By: jay75
I think its possible that I was searching for peace when I was an avid church goer, a peace i never found. Now I feel judged even though no one knows my past perhaps dirty..... Has anyone else found faith unnecessary after they started to heal?

Hey Jay,

I don't usually post here. Been flamed before, but I'll take a shot with this. I too was an avid churchgoer, but stopped after my suicide attempt 3 years ago. I felt abandoned and hated by God, and everyone else. I still hadn't started to face my CSA, but began the process of re-commiting to AA, therapy, and taking my meds regularly. In the process I realized that I still believed in God, but had a huge resentment against Him. Where the f*** was He when I was being raped? Did He think I wasn't worth saving? Just a little shit kid who didn't matter? We had several shouting matches and I called him every swear word I could think of. (Think Lt. Dan and the storm) He didn't strike me dead, and we eventually made peace. (Like Lt. Dan did)

I still don't understand where God was when my CSA happened, but I'm no longer letting it be an obstacle to my recovery. I will not let anything get in the way of it. I still don't go to church, but I need a power greater than myself to overcome all thats happened to me. For me that higher power is God.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty