Originally Posted By: jay75
I think its possible that I was searching for peace when I was an avid church goer, a peace i never found. Now I feel judged even though no one knows my past perhaps dirty..... Has anyone else found faith unnecessary after they started to heal?

Hey Jay,

I don't usually post here. Been flamed before, but I'll take a shot with this. I too was an avid churchgoer, but stopped after my suicide attempt 3 years ago. I felt abandoned and hated by God, and everyone else. I still hadn't started to face my CSA, but began the process of re-commiting to AA, therapy, and taking my meds regularly. In the process I realized that I still believed in God, but had a huge resentment against Him. Where the f*** was He when I was being raped? Did He think I wasn't worth saving? Just a little shit kid who didn't matter? We had several shouting matches and I called him every swear word I could think of. (Think Lt. Dan and the storm) He didn't strike me dead, and we eventually made peace. (Like Lt. Dan did)

I still don't understand where God was when my CSA happened, but I'm no longer letting it be an obstacle to my recovery. I will not let anything get in the way of it. I still don't go to church, but I need a power greater than myself to overcome all thats happened to me. For me that higher power is God.

"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell