still around,

great post man. great post. i felt the exact same way about two months ago. I started breaking my silence. breaking my silence and telling coworkers, friends, and family. i started to feel pretty good about myself, they all had great emotional responses. great ones. i'm so sorry... etc.

then as i started to need to talk more about it, i noticed they became uncomfortable. then they all (almost in a coordinated fashion) ran the other way! therapeutically speaking, i was building a network of supporters so i could enter the toughest parts of healing... dealing with the emotions i couldn't as six year old kid. and as i started to build my support network, it crumbled. and i had to retreat, withdraw. telling myself the truth, they weren't ready to hear and help but emotionally doing the same things i had done before. well that doesn't help. that's why i started therapy.

It hurts. i agree with your last post here, it's a tragedy. i think it's probably a little like you mourning the loss of your childhood, regretting, then coming to terms with the person you felt you had to become, and that kind of healing. the friends in that survivor state helped you get to this point, but maybe they can't help you in the next phase of your journey. and that's okay. some people aren't equipped to handle the kind of emotions that we need to process. my best friend (fellow survivor who recommended my T) once told me, "really, all people need therapy."

those friends that are along with you on this ride, that's what you need. that they're researching on their own... wow! that's AWESOME!

for the friends who have drifted away... doesn't make them anything less. it's just like asking me to pitch in softball last night... i'm just not the right fit. but second base? well, i can do that (at least better than pitching!)

i'm sorry those friends have drifted away. it is necessary to mourn that loss though, i feel. hang in there. sounds like you're doing the right thing.
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May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.