...because with a few words I can make people disappear entirely from my life.
I've told several of who I thought were my closest friends what was done to me --- how it's affected me through the years, and why it is, now that I'm finally coming to understand what it is I must change about myself to become whole, I have been struggling. I felt they deserved to know, they knew I have been lost for years (some described me as a "wounded animal"; funny how they could see that but did nothing to even try to help).
Most I felt were completely understanding, and offered any help they could give. I told them they can just talk to me, and me to them, so that I may figure things out and get the support I need.
IThat was several months ago, and how wrong I've been. With the exception of three, I have not had much contact with any of them, and though I reach out to them, they seem to treat me rather perfunctorily.
I just don't understand. Why have they forsaken me? Are they frightened of me? Do they not think they can help, or that I'm jealous and angry at them because their lives have not had such horror? I'm still the same person they've known and supposedly loved, for years god damn it. I may be going through a very bad time but that doesn't mean I need to be treated with kid gloves, or abandoned again.
I feel like I'm learning two contradictory things---that true friends are those who stick by you no matter what---but don't bother asking most people for help, because they will not or cannot help you. And many will leave you if you do have the audacity to reach out.
I know that when people get scared or confused, they will often withdraw. But I need them. I feel so alone now, even moreso than before I started this journey of healing. Some days I feel like I should just pick up my life from this point and begin again, maybe with a clean slate, rather than continue to be the pariah I seem to have become with the people that have known me best.
If that's the way it's going to be, than to hell with them. Perhaps I have to build my own network of support of people who can actually care about more than themselves.