Like a hurricane slowing down and the eye resting over a major city. I am that major city and the eye of the hurricane is nigh. it's finally hitting me. shame i never knew i felt, a feeling so surreal. i am an intelligent 31 year old man and i know that i am not to blame for anything, yet I feel all this shame.
Part of it is the reaction I have received from those closest to me. They're all happy I'm getting help. But I've put up such a believably successful facade and they think the facade is me... and most of it probably is. But there's a huge part they don't understand. The hurt, the self loathing, the self doubt, the need to please everyone, and most hurtfully, putting everyone else's needs before my own. Even on days where I'd be alone, I'd be pressured by my perceived expectations of everyone in my life "what should I be doing now." The reaction is, "great, I'm glad you're getting the help you need." It's rather belittling. I feel like they think I shouldn't need help or the trauma isn't as severe as I'm discussing it is. They want me to be that facade me I've put up so successfully for so long.
The image of the mother in "Perks..Wallflower" holding her son, telling him she was so sorry. Wow. So freaking powerful. I want that. I need that. I need to know that those around me are so sorry. This isn't something that just happened. This is so fucking traumatic and they don't get it. They're not emotionally connected. It certainly doesn't help that my abuser abused my sister as well and mentally abused my entire family growing up. His grip over us is palpable. **Even as I try to break free from it, I had a dream that he was attacking me, trying to put me in my place.**
Being abused isn't just some thing that people deal with like losing a puppy or moving away from your best friend. This is fucking HUGE... the implications and fallout significant. It's a BFD... you know, big fucking deal.
How do you men think about the shame of the act versus the shame others make you feel... are they one in the same? Is the shame I feel about the abuse projected onto how I take the reactions of those closest to me? I know they're doing their best, but I still feel like I can't trust anyone.
I feel like they don't give credit to the big deal that being raped is. I so want them too. I want to feel like I have the support to grieve. I can't even grieve because I don't know what I'm grieving, and as I write this, I'm not sure I feel like it's okay to grieve. I feel like I don't have the support of those around me.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.