It doesn't matter what I do, I'm still stuck in reverse.

I knew when I was 11 that I needed to learn how to make friends, and bought my first book ever "How to Win Friends and Influence people".

Flash forward 30 years.

I'm still asking the same pathetic and retarded question - how do I make friends?

I have no clue. I don't have anyone that I connect with. Family members have drifted away now that I"ve gotten older and now I literally have NO ONE IN MY LIFE. ***NO ONE***.

I'm all alone on this frightening planet.

I envy anyone who has had a relationship. I envy anyone who has a friend they get along with. I envy anyone who has family members that genuinely know them and care for them.

I LITERALLY HAVE NO ONE.

My life has been a stupid pathetic retarded struggle all my life. I should have never been born. A retarded guy raped a disabled & frightened girl and that's why I'm here. I inherited his genes, and her genes, and was born with multiple disabilities.

I've been struggling all my fucking life. I've been working all my fucking life. I've fought all my fucking life. I've literally taken every fucking suggestion that people have thrown at me to make my life worth living.

Volunteer
Do what I love (it's my career)
Get a pet
Get into 12 step
Stop drinking
Stop smoking
Exercise
Get on medication
Meditate
Seek spirituality

I've been doing all of this.

I'M STILL LONELY, and now I'm lonelier than I've ever been in my life. I CAN'T FUCKING MAKE ANY FRIENDS!! Much less have a snowball's chance in HELL of ever falling in love or experiencing what "romance" is. I've NEVER COME CLOSE.

This whole lifetime of effort is stupid, pathetic and retarded. It hurts, it's done nothing but hurt, and it still fucking hurts.

After all these 30 fucking years of hard grueling work, I come to find out that I'm still angry about being born with multiple disabilities, and as a result of this anger that I've tried to let go of all my life, now I'm an ugly human being. No wonder why I can't make friends, and no wonder why no one has ever loved me. I'M UGLY!!

What a fucked up rude awakening to have after doing all this work to try and make myself a better person to overcome OTHER people's fucked up choices. I get to wake up to the fact that I'm UGLY. I'm an angry cripple that can't get over his disabilities. UGLY.

What a fucking stupid retarded little life I was given. Pathetic and stupid.

God I want off this hell hole.

my mom didn't give birth to me. she shat me out.

No matter how much I try and polish this stupid retarded little life I've lived, after 30 years of polishing, it's still a piece of shit.


Edited by Magellan (04/19/13 06:28 PM)