I never was raised religious, but at the university i got intrigued by hearing my roommates discuss. That was a start of a long search. It started with buddhism and since then i've read about a variety of philosophies (mysticism, gnosticism, daoism, non-duality, shamanism).
I still dont know what to think of it all.. i notice that i try to create a world view and desperately hold on to it. I have difficulty with the insecurity of it all i guess. I'm intrigued by Ramana Maharshi and his question 'Who am I?' When i went to a breakdown, this was the question i asked myself. But i never dared venture more deeply into this.
I think that i try to talk about philosophy, but still havent found the proper place yet. And now i'm dealing with the abuse, i'm in doubt whether or not philosophy and religion has become a kind of excuse not to deal with the pain.
At this point in time it gets me confused from time to time. And seeing the full book shelves does not always help me out of the confusion lol..
To me i think the most important thing is to just let things be. I always want to have some kind of control over things, even though i know life cant be controlled. I can only control my response and to that buddhism and meditation are proving to be very helpfull..
Trust me, you are worth it to love yourself!