So after acknowledging the legitamcy of my same sense attractions it's kind of caused a spiral effect. For the first time I started to really notice guys in person and that was a sort of awakening. I try very hard to just accept for whatever reasons I have the attractions I have but truthfully it would be nice to know exactly why and exactly who I am.
My attractions to women never seemed on the same level as those around me, I'd be turned on by maybe one woman for every 100 my brothers and friends seemed to be turned on by.
I don't particularly recall my heart skipping a beat for guys I'd seen in person-until now but even then it's not a high percentage out of the guys I see. Until this point it had been exclusively focused on sexual acts. But for as long as I can remember men and sex with men has occupied probably 99% percent of my fantasies.
So I start accepting that these attractions were there and they pretty much started taking over my every thought. I began to notice my attraction to women as slight as it's been diminishing and started to do all this research in regards to coming out...within this process I started to read some things from Joe Kort and just when I was thinking I'd finally come to some clarification in who I am all the same old questions kicked in...and it's back to the What the hell am I?
I've been researching about sexuality being fluid which is a notion I can see but then that leaves other questions like how do I live truly to myself-the only answer seems to be to come out-to try and see if I can form an emotional connection with a man..but then that leads to the thought of well what if I go through that whole process and then bam my sexuality starts to swing the other way....
Now on top of the noticing guys in a different light since accepting the attractions there are somethings that I've remembered over the past few weeks that kind of solidify the thoughts as I remember them being before any abuse even occurred like passionately kissing a boy when I was 5 or 6 and my dad telling me that thats "not how boys kiss boys". He wasn't angry about it or a dick about it but I do clearly remember him saying that.
Then there are other things that I remember that I'm not so sure if they were before the abuse, during or after it. Like how I used to make my G.I Joe's have sex lol theres not much straight about that.
It's all so frustrating..
So my question to any of you primarily those that are out-did all the questioning stop when you started to embrace your orientation?
What in your mind made you sure that this was your natural orientation and not some result of the abuse?
One maybe different thing is for me was that while I fought the thoughts and fantasies for years I never once thought it had anything to do with the abuse I'd suffered until I stumbled across this site...
Then once I started reading stories that pointed to the abuse causing confusion-I went "that must be it" and then after reflection it's felt that that doesn't fit very well to me.
I keep looking for an easy answer to tell me clearly who I am but I know that isn't realistic...I am working everyday on accpeting myself regardless of the realisation I come to..