Hi - sorry I missed this post.

I know what you are feeling - especially as it relates to appearances. I also believe that therapy, without honesty, is not extremely valuable. It is in therapy that we are supposed to be able to dump out our big bag of crap and have a skilled professional help us sort through it. Doing MC without factoring in his abuse, and your abuse, seems like you are setting yourself up for some wheel spinning.

I told our MC, called him and told him when I learned of the abuse - MC didn't bring it up until my husband finally disclosed to him too - but at least the MC knew what he was working with. And it is such an important piece of what we do together in there. I cannot imagine the resentment you must feel. Does he know how important it is as you work as a couple? Have you expressed to him your desire to put all of the cards on the MC table?

Apart from that, progress can seem slow and stilted and sometimes non-existent. I also know that frustration. Smart people on these boards have often told me that I cannot be consumed by his process. I know too well how hard that is.

A while back I made the decision to work on me - to focus on me. As my therapist says, he will either do the same, or he won't and if he doesn't, I won't be able to stay in the marriage. While I believe these men need our support and encouragement, and sometimes guidance, we cannot allow them to consume our souls.