It's funny because normally I don't think of myself as OCD, although I can be very compulsive in my thinking.
As I try to process memories of living with my brother and my Mom, two people with whom I never had good physical boundaries, I start to get more in touch with the related stress that I habitually avoid. And then something happens that I see could be considered OCD.
It's kind of scary, but also kind of revealing. This morning one of my arms was shaking uncontrollably. I had the overwhelming urge to scratch it all over and make the unbearable feeling go away. The more I tried to resist the more intense the feelings became.
A couple of things crossed my mind. I've been getting more in touch with the memory of my brother's abuse which I think had a profound effect on my sense of self. At an early age, my brother was one person who I found some refuge in, when my Mom couldn't get good boundaries established and maintained in my direction. Although my brother can be aggressive, I would cling to him in moments of need. When he had his abuse at around 10, I think my whole system went a little haywire.
The other thing that crossed my mind was how my Mom sometimes scratches herself a lot. It seems normal but the more I think about it, I think she may have been numbing something in her. The general off-balance relationship she has with her body is something I kind of paid a price for over the years.
The shaking was scary because I couldn't breathe through it as I normally do. I noticed my pulse racing and my chest tightening. I finally decided to run cold water over it and then put lotion all over my arm. This somehow managed to create enough peace in me that I could do other things with a clear head.
It was a learning moment, I think, but I also know there must be more that I'm waiting to learn.
For what it's worth...
Lose the drama; life is a poem.