hi pirate
I don't think you are a bad person or anything of the kind. but have you been sickly in your youth or have someone like that in your circle. I was and it became very much an identity at that time my T asked me the other day out of all your injuries as a child how many would you say were intentional? I had never really thought of it in that way but I had learned that my violent mom was so much different when I was sick or injured she was kind and attentive. not hurtful and violent like at other times. it made sense that I grew comfortable with the pain.
don't know if that helps at all but just something from my experience
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville