Agate:

I don't know what the lying is about, but I know it has to do with not facing what you went through, and you did go through it.

I had to remember the one feeling of being partially sodomized and living with the shame of not being able to let my molester do it all the way. I had that memory every time I got in the shower ..... until I got some help. Now, t hat's a rare occurence, thankfully. So, don't let anyone tell you "it didn't happen." That's another way for people not to deal with it and for you not to deal with it.

I commend you for telling your wife and releasing some of that anger. My wife wasn't terribly supportive, but she did help me. I'm only sorry not getting help (or remembering it sooner) hurt my marriage. I was doing things no heterosexual would do in a marriage ...... and I didn't understand that either. When I did find out what I was doing, I was able to rid myself of it.

My fantasy was about three men and me. My therapist told me, "You're trying to, simultaneously, reenact what happened to you." Dealing with that ....... saved me and it can save you, too.

Maybe you were so used to (innocently) lying to yourself, that it came easy to lie to eveyone else. But it does catch up to you.

A while ago. I wrote a story called "Like Yesterday" and how everyday, like you, I thought about what happened to me and I hated the after-effects. Through great therapy, my thoughts are not about being abused. I was able to write a letter to my 6yo self and tell Little Jimmy, "We made it out okay. it was rough, but we did it and you're safe now."

Iwas able to go to a group once and, finally, cry out all the tears I had and it felt great. I was, also, physically able to hurt my abuser ..... with some PlayDo. Taht felt great, too. Not only is your anger in your mind; it's in your body, too (locked-up) and you need to release that as well. Never forget to exercise. It fights all that frustraiton and depression (which I had suffered with, too).

Hope this helps.

JJ