MBing, one way or the other

Let me start by saying a foreword: I am 50 years old, separated from the MOMC (Mother of my Children), terrified of intimacy and looking back on a life of being subtly but strangely connected and disconnected from my body. What have I got to lose by letting loose. . .

I remember when I was in grade school that we would climb the ropes in gym class. I remember this wonderful feeling as I had the rope between my legs going up. I kinda couldnít wait to do it again.

I remember being in the bathtub and hiding my penis between my legs.

In my teens when I would MB, the p. would stay between my legs most of the time. It was preferred by moi. I was still doing this in my late twenties and occasionally up until the present day.

Anybody getting it yet? What Iím trying to say is that Iím not quite sure that I was interested in having a p. as much as having a v., at least when it came to sexual feelings. Why? Well, for lots of reasons, some of which I describe below.

The only reason thatís missing is that I miss the boy in me. I miss him feeling okay and knowing he is all right.

Growing up being a boy was pretty much a liability. It seems that I was talked out of being any kind of real man as early as I can remember. This was done by my brother and Dad who seemed anxious about being male and got me to not want that by way of negative association. Of course, there were other dynamics that I have elucidated elsewhere, which most likely go back to infancy, but Iím trying stay focused hereÖ.!

Now is a different story. I feel this man in me. He wants to MB any way he wants. If heís going to MB by putting mr. P between the legs, he wants to know that itís not because he is ashamed of anything. If he's not going to put mr. P there, he wants to know that nothing is lost. And he wants to be whole for someone in addition to himself.

Iím just not quite sure what the shame and confusion is all about. Any thoughts or personal reflections on this incredibly important subject matter would be much appreciated!

Focused
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Lose the drama; life is a poem.