I am not a spouse of a survivor, but I was married to one. (24 yrs- my greatest supporter in life). Your story has touched me, bringing forth private memories the two of us shared concerning her support of my CSA issues... multiple. She HATED the man who had me in my teen years. I shudder to think how she would have reacted if she had known it had started at age 4, I just chose not to tell her the full extent. Wives have a lot to think about and deal with when they discover their husbands were abused as little boys.
I want to paraphrase a statement that touched me deeply because I had already experienced that part of life in my 40s....
... "if you were so ill and no longer could have sex with your husband, then your husband as caretaker would also be doing without sex..."
You are such an honorable man... This is what commitment is, Matt. This is what two people together need from each other....One becomes ill, the other becomes the caregiver. One is lost, the other lights the way back. One hurts, the other is there for the healing. No big questions, no big demands. Only the sweet, reassuring knowledge of love and support. You have a way with words and a profound wisdom I find in almost every posting you leave.
In direct response regarding the sharing of your abuse...
If you have as little as ONE misgiving about sharing YOUR experience with someone, don't. Follow your instincts. Doesn't matter if it is your best friend of 20 yrs or your old, fat neighbor that you detest. Don't share. I have already shared the horror of what happened to me when I ignored my instincts a few years ago. Your wife will be fine. She can journal, continue to read, talk with you, see a therapist, but she can't dictate your sharing of something so very very personal. Not in loud voice, not in repeatedly saying with whom she wishes to confide, not in emotions of sadness when you say no.... she should be saying, "Okay, I understand". Anything less is a manipulation and you don't need that.
You have helped me tonight, and my wife left long ago. Isn't it strange that so much is given when stories are shared. And your wife has made such progress in giving the kind of support you need. She obviously loves you if she is taking the time to educate herself on the lasting issues of CSA. Just don't give away your control of the healing process. My best, guy.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.