And now, years later, I finally starting to figure what it has done. I realize why Iím feeling down. Because Iím starting to uncover my self protective mechanisms. And these work to protect me from everything and everybody. But it makes me feel sad. It makes me feel sad, because I canít reach the inner child. So it feels like thereís a barrier, but I also feel Iím working on opening up. Allowing myself to recognize I have made mistakes and accepting this. All the blame and self judgment is a lie. But it has been consistent, so it takes time to work things out and let go of these false sensations.
Iím starting to see why I am looking so much and desperately for myself. Itís because thereís a thick layer of negativity in me. And for the first time in my life Iím looking at it. This thick layer is what keeps me from reaching you. Itís a protection and it has done its job, but now it halts my progress. And I do want to progress out of victimhood. I want to become whole again, to feel alive and well. But hiding from the negative wonít do the trick. I just need to learn to let go of the obsessive mental patterns. By seeing that I am progressing, I am looking in a honest way at myself and Iím in therapy now.
I see that I have always been somewhat jealous of my brother and lately I realize that Iím actually afraid of him. And that feeling makes me feel sad. Being afraid of my own brother.. but at the same time, he abused me. So itís not strange that thereís negativity in the relationship. But I feel that it keeps me in victimhood. Iíve tried the best I could to solve it intellectually but I now know that this wonít suffice. I have to allow myself to open up to life a little more. Let go of the feeling of needing to be in control and allowing myself to feel the feelings without pushing them away. The fear in me is finally allowed to show itself, for years I thought I didnít have much fear. Lately I realize that thereís a lot of fear in me, but that it was too much for me to handle. And I donít always appreciate enough the great steps I have taken. I have told the story, I have quit smoking marihuana, Iím starting to examine my basic assumptions on life. Iím doing ok, Iím in therapy now. I just need to learn to be patient with myself. The feeling of needing to rush is so familiar, that I have difficulty with slowing the pace, allowing myself to breath.
So in short, Iím starting to realize Iím way to hard on myself. And I accept this for the first time in my life. The perfectionist in me is finally uncovered and I understand I have to learn how not to listen to him all the time. I allow myself to mistakes.