man you sure do have a ton of stuff you are trying to process all at once! I know the feeling I call it the "head noise" just so much ...too much to process. so try to give yourself a break man it really is too much to do. I know how overwhelming this all is but you are not destroyed not by a long shot. we are all here to help you and I hope that you have found your way to a good therapist who deals in male Childhood sexual trauma or at least trauma in general. just breathe slow calming breaths you are among friends in a safe place. welcome man... sorry you needed to be here but Im glad you have found us
be well
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville