I am sexually sober 6 months this coming weekend. For me, this has meant no porn, no masturbation, no sex with anyone else - simply no sex. It has been, for me, endless cycles rooted in my first sexual experience with another person, a grown male who was a stranger who molested me and fellated me and disappeared. My life has been an endless series of cycles emanating out from that single, hidden instance.
I am getting a real sense of freedom but also a real sense of what I have lost in my last 30+ years. I tried to connect to other men through sex because I thought I had connected due to this seemingly deep experience through sexual contact with a man. I had a difficult time connecting to men emotionally when I was abused and sex with men came in to fill that gap. It worked for a long time and then it didn't work and I still tried to make it work and became more and more isolated, more and more estranged from others and more and more angry at myself for not knowing why I was the way I was. I hated myself. Hated.
Now that I have stopped the cycle, the lack of connection to other men is right at the surface. The pain of not feeling connected to my own kind is daily. I am now dealing with the boy inside of me who wanted to be a boy but felt total rejection by his father and complete smothering by his mother and I was trapped and lost at the same time.
Mourning and grieving are part of this. That makes sense. The harder thing is trying to make that connection with other men. I don't just want to connect through the pain. I want to be able to connect through joy, fun, play, roughhousing, teasing, lightness, physicality, etc. I keep limiting myself to only being around other damaged men. I used to get resentful at the other damaged men as somehow holding me back from being around my rightful kind (the undamaged) but I am not angry like that anymore. I am starting to see that I belong with the damaged and the undamaged alike and that there are many shades of grey in between.
I am finding my voice among other men and it is hard to not put myself above or below. It is difficult to understand that I am, to other people, a white man in his mid 40's who appears okay. I have not been able to see this until now since I have ceased acting out sexually. I guess admitting that this area of my life needed to change and I didn't know how was the beginning of a new journey forward. Scary but necessary.
It was just time for me to do this because I couldn't continue the way I was. I am in a bit of a dark space right now but I hear in meetings that when you are going through hell, just keep going.
Edited by EdfromNYC (03/29/13 11:50 AM)
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed