You are courageous for sharing. I could be wrong, but it seems that you are blaming yourself? I have done the same many times, but I want to tell you that it's not your fault. I'm sorry for what you went through. Keep posting. There's a lot of people who are here for you and who can empathize with what you are going through. I was also abused by women and also drugged. It's an awful experience for a child to go through, but we can heal. Keep hanging on.