Today, make a list. Make two. Make one that is what your life is going to look like - the life you want to have. What will be in it? What won't? What behaviors are not allowed in this life you are defining. My list was like "time for me every day, supportive, positive relationships, no lying, no emotional abuse, etc."
And then make another list of what makes you feel loved. 20 things - they can be trivial or crazy - who cares? It's your list. When I did this exercise, it included things like "Public recognition of my work" or "Text messages" etc.
When you have these two lists, go about creating them. The first one is important because the excluded behaviors, get excluded. They are not allowed in. They don't happen in your space. This is how you start to learn boundaries and how you start to learn to enforce them. And there will be complaints from those around you that you are being MEAN or RIGID and INFLEXIBLE - all a sign that you are doing a good job.
For example, you can't be drunk in our home. I had to create that boundary - and I did it for my sanity and for my children. And I heard threats, complaints, bullying - but eventually, it stopped. I found peace and he started relying on the boundary. It ended up being good for everyone. Did I hear initially "I'll find someone else who will let me drink??" Yes. Did it scare me? Yes. Did I consider waivering? YES. I didn't though and it felt really good afterward.
And the love list is important too - because as you create the boundaries, you need to be able to identify the people who are making you feel loved.
When we start this journey, we feel out of control and that anxiety destroys our peace. MAKE YOUR SPACE TODAY. Inside that space is love and kindness and patience - WITH YOURSELF. Be kind to you in there. Let in the people who respect your boundaries and make you feel loved.
He needs boundaries, even though he doesn't know it. Detaching in love doesn't mean ABANDONMENT. It means staying your course, and setting your limits. THIS IS WHAT IS OKAY AND THIS IS WHAT IS NOT OKAY IN MY LIFE.
Feel free to PM me if it would be helpful. I have stood exactly where you stand today.