something finally clicked today - as i was writing a PM - and i know it should have been obvious - but i only now put it together. i don't know why it took so long for me to see it.
i have told different parts of my story in various posts, focusing on one aspect or another. i have been thinking so much during the past few days about the step-dad - and i tried to put the memories of him and what he did into a consecutive time-line. once i had done that - as a list-style summary - something jumped out at me. at times i have felt like the CSA i experienced was not severe enough for the reactions and after-effects i have lived with for so long. i have heard others say that there is nothing to be gained by comparisons and that there is no heirarchy of abuse - but ...
anyway - what i realized was that one of the first memories of the step-dad was when i was 6 and he treatened to castrate me with a pair of hedge clippers. i had written about this and posted it almost a year ago:http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=403404&page=1
the NEW insight i just got was this - that event colored EVERYTHING from that point on - as in, THE REST OF MY LIFE! - every single thing that was related to my body, or even more - my p3nis, balls and s3xuality!!!
so every time the step-dad looked at me and touched me later - i was afraid that he was going to carry out his threat. whatever he did was magnified and intensified by that additional fear. and i also transferred that fear to all the other perps that came later - the curious and touchy-feely peers and bullies at school and in scouts and the Y. so all of their treatment was underscored by that event as well. my entire life - except for the first 6 years has been under that shadow. it wasn't just a one-time incident - it derailed my attitude toward my self and that whole area of life and relationships - especially connected to s3x - and sent me careening down a rocky mountainside, out of control. why couldn't i see that before?