I was sexually abused when I was six years old, by my father. My father sodomized me when I was just six and continued until I was twelve. Six years of occasional sodomy and perpetual mental abuse.
"Don't tell anyone, we'll both get in trouble. It's our secret."
And a secret I kept it. For years. Until a friend had so much perspective insight, he asked, when I was 15, if I was abused. I felt safe enough to answer yes. And that was it. I cried and didn't go on to therapy. My silence broken FOR me, not BY me.
Then my sister, two years later, told my mom. I have learned that she only suspected something since she saw him laying in my bed with me. She didn't actually know. I pleaded for my mom not to do anything. She happily obliged.
Now 15 years later, I am in therapy. I have broken, shattered, my silence. I am very aware that there are lingering survival mechanisms which are no longer helping me to survive, but are hindering my adult progress. Actually, that doesn't really freaking matter.
I started therapy because I could no longer "think" my way out of this. See, since my silence was broken for me, I have had to deal with these memories on my own, without the benefit of a therapist, until now. I developed unhealthy thought trains and depended on myself to understand the messed up world around me. The thought trains were failing, and so was my will to survive.
I started therapy because suicidal ideations were quickly becoming plans. I am truly in therapy only for me.
I am still writing my story, understanding it free from the lens of abuse. I am putting together a support group. I will be doing EMDR with my T when I am ready. Oh yeah, I'm so good at masking, he thought I was ready. Second EMDR session, and I unconsciously put on the brakes... he later told me he misread some things. I told him I thought he was being sinister. I was glad to know he wasn't. Although...
Any advice on how to understand the abuse from my father, both sexual (incest) and mental, would be helpful. My trust mechanism was broken. I rely only on myself. There are so many things I have that I want healed and this is a big one. How the hell do I move forward?
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.