I can relate to you in so many ways bro.
You said "Am I so dirty". I thought this for so long. I did until I hit my knees in my kitchen while I was drunk and totally surrendered to The Lord. Then He took all the feelings of dirtiness and filth away. I turned to the instruction manual (the bible) and He began showing me so much info. It is a daily decision for me to submit to The Lord. I have never felt so loved and in control of my life. I have a Christian therapist and we are doing EMDR and The Lord has helped me in the process. Just know that you are not alone bro. Wishing you the best.
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her