(& Crazy Gecko),
To discuss trust, lets talk about shame.
Shame, (the almost universal response to CSA) is the belief that WE as survivors are responsible.
This is a LIE......
We are ashamed of having been victimized.
I was embarrassed at having been [sodomized} and used.
I was embarrassed at having believed that he cared for me.
I believed it when he told me it was because I wore cut-offs and that I was cute.
I still feel some shame about the intimate acts that I performed.
Now---lets talk about facts.
Fact #1) He lied.-he wasn't into me, It wasn't special, it wasn't love, it wasn't normal, it wasn't my fault, it wasn't because I was so cute or hot or anything else....it was because HE COULD. I was unfortunately available.
Fact #2) The shame of his acts belongs rightfully to him. (Do you know ANYONE who will view an older man and younger boy engaging in sex and think the young guy is to blame? I do not)
Fact #3) The Shame reinforces our keeping the secret.
Fact #4) To be in the "fraternity" of survivors of sexual abuse is to be open and honest with ourselves about what went on back in the "day". We have to accept the truths that WE DID NOTHING WRONG. That RAPE AND INCEST are NOT THE VICTIMS Fault.
Fact #5) When we tell others what happened, it helps us deal with it. We discard our shame and place the truth on the table.
Now--having said all of that, disclosure of the "awful secret" still isn't a picnic. Some of our friends may pass judgment on us or say that we did something to deserve it.
Knowing the truth, dealing with a safe environment, talking about our fear, and disclosing our stories bring us face to face with both the truth and the action by which we begin to accept that we have nothing to be ashamed of.
When we talk about incest and child abuse, rape, sexual victimization, forced prostitution and other awful subjects, our friends don't know how to act about it. They may look to us not knowing what to say or how to cope with the sadness and the pain. Certainly it isn't for casual conversation. Speaking with a safe therapist and with other survivors helps us to know how to navigate disclosure. It helps to be able to explain it and show others by our actions how they are expected to react. In my experience it is like disclosing my sexuality. I am homosexual. I don't ever invite someone's criticism of my gay Identity. I state who I am and allow them their opinions, but I don't invite them to tell me I am to be ashamed. Similarly I may disclose my survival of child sexual abuse, but I don't wallow in lots of detail, I don't accept ANY criticism of my actions, and I remind people if we are talking about it, that these incidents took me a long time to learn to deal with. That way they know if they are moved to say things, that it is difficult for me to deal with.
Yes we have to tell...
Yes we have to learn not to be ashamed because of it...
Then we are on the road to recovery...