Stopping by again to ask if others deal with this.
My H is in his 3rd month of IC with a specialist, thanks to a great MC who saw his survivor traits (rage, at first, then things like neediness, over-explaining and other controlling behaviors). I'm in IC, too,I should add. We're both survivors, married almost 5 years.
As he gets deeper into memory recollection in therapy, he's working to the point of exhaustion again. We're back in MC, and doing the homework to develop more non sexual intimacy. The thing is, he's not accepting of this intimacy when I give it at home and will only go for emotional depth in the 'safe zone' of MC. That means the homework isn't being completed. I get resentful, being it up in MC and look like the bad gal.
As far as I can tell, he's not acting out right now (cruising CL was one of his coping methods for a while, as was rage). He's just distant. We have other major life stressors going on which would test most folks, too, so I can see where his triggers might come from...success/failure stuff with home and career, and raising teens.
One of our kids is at the age H was when his disclosed abuse began, too. All these things together have me looking at his avoidance. Yet, I don't want to pull the "you're not doing what you said, this isn't going fast enough" routine any more, and I will not disclose his abuse in therapy, although I believe it's the root cause of these things. I'm struggling with his keeping up appearances in therapy and then not wanting depth at home. I'm sad that I'm not safe and home isn't safe. He hasn't disclosed his abuse in MC at all, and has in his IC, so MC isn't appearing that safe yet, and I understand. I wish it were different, but I do get it.
I think I need to go back to Al-Anon. The Three C's are at the front of my mind a lot these days. What did you all do when recovery hit these types of spots?