Thank you for having me here. I have cried more in the last few days reading the forums here than I have in decades.
I am a 39 years old native american. I think I was abused somewhere from 4-6 by a babysitter....check that. I KNOW I was abused, but when and how is foggy. Ive always known but always placed those memories back in the box whenever they bubble up. I can only place in time from some other clues like what home we were living in at the time.
I lie. I lie a lot. I have always lied. I have always know that lying is wrong, but one leads to the next, and if I can just push dealing til later than that's good. Later is always better, just not right now.
My son is the same age as I was and this crushes me. I fear so much. I wish I had some anger, but I don't. Just numbness, fear, shame and lies.
I have just gone thru another cycle of lies and I got caught. As is the normal cycle what I started lying about was no big deal, but lies, upon lies until I could no longer continue with that lie.
My wife finely said what's wrong with you? And for the first time I got angry. I got angry and told her the truth. "What's wrong with me? I'll tell you what's wrong with me...I live a lie every day...every day of my damm life I lie. And here is the big giant lie I live. I was sexually abused as a child and I think about it almost every day, and I lie to myself that is no big deal."
SHE BELIEVED ME
I had never shared that secret. And as the years went on I was sure that it was no big deal, I was just weak, pathetic, and ultimately unworthy of love.
I had finally told the truth to someone