I think what i'm getting at is that for so long I assumed that i had to be gay because I had these reactions, that the things I did and the way I acted out meant that I wanted to have sex with guys. It was too simple to look at it that way. I just couldn't imagine that if I act out sexually, it might not be because it's what my mind and body and heart really want. It might be because when I was a kid, all the wires got crossed because of what happened to me. Of course it doesn't make sense or even really reflect who I am. I'm still living with a kid's reaction to a fucked up situation. I don't know who I really am, but I know that I'm not defined by the acting out or the urges. At least, on my 'good' days, I can remember this. Other times, it's hard. I'm making progress, but have plenty of work still to do.