Your story, like so many others here, is a terrible burden for you to carry. You have the good fortune to be dealing with this as a young man. Many of us carried the secret of our abuse for decades, and the effect on our lives has been disastrous.
MS is a great place to meet some of your needs for validation and fellowship with men who have had similar experiences and feelings. Please read as you feel able, and post when you feel comfortable doing so. There's no pressure here, no judgement, and no condemnation.
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell