Haven't been here much in awhile and I've returned to ask for help, advice and support for the next stage of my healing journey from CSA and incest.
I confronted my perpetrator and first cousin many years ago and before that shared my story with my immediate family and friends. Kinda hard to believe but, that one sentence took over 30 years and almost a dozen therapist to complete, I understand many others here know similar experiences.
What I feel I need to do next is share my experience with my cousin Steve's, the perps., immediate family and also with my more extended family: an aunt and cousins. I want to also talk with law enforcement people in Fostoria, OH, where the abuse began and primarily happened and where he still lives. I'd like to make them aware of what he did to me and I suspect has done to others, to create a record if possible and to maybe protect someone he hasn't gotten to yet. I don't expect an arrest or prosecution but would still have satisfaction seeing him know that “Yes, your past can come back to bite ya' in the ass!”
Even though he has never apologized to me or my family for the Hell he put everyone through, I don't feel a need for revenge or retribution. Perhaps it's because I know he isn't sorry and will never be capable of that, so if it's not sincere, I think the hollowness of it would just add insult to injury. I feel I need to do this to actually free myself from it! I've literally been feeling bound and in a grip, a strangle hold from it and I need to be freer, made more whole. Free from the remaining secrets and lies, free to have more honest relationships with my family, even if that honesty ends some of those relationships, I actually don't care if that's the result. That's better than being ingenuine and to continue to protect their feelings at the cost of my own. Is it selfish, maybe somewhat, but I don't really feel it is and they've had the last forty plus years to live in freedom from not knowing or not having to acknowledge my abuse. That should be enough.
So that's pretty much it! What I need to do is prepare for this, I'm thinking I can be ready by the middle of Summer, but experience has taught me to be flexible, all kinds of complications can happen and do. So we'll see and I'll arrive there when I'm meant to be there and not before, that's always been the way it is for me.
Advice from anyone whose done this would help me, if you could direct me to your stories that would be great too, and always advice and encouragement from any survivor or supporter of survivors is always welcome.
Thanks for listening,
My new journey begins...
Gary * 1.healing
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."
"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."