when i was 8 a friend of the family who was 16 told me that he wanted to show me what grown ups kept as a secret. he took me to a bathroom in the back of a store and asked me to kiss him like in the movies. i did not know so he stick out his tounge and told me to stick mine out and rub them toghether. as i did he undid my pants and touched me. i was scared but i was also liking it. then he told me to do the same to him. it was my first time seen a fully erect one. he asked me to put it in my mouth as deep as i could. i did as i was told i don't know why but i had to. a part of me was screaming this is wrong but another was wondering what is next. he told me to step back and i saw him ejaculate and sent me home.
it happenned three or four time until one day we were almost got cought. he told me that i was good at it and that as woulg grow i would get better at it.
for reasons i don't remember we didn't crossed path again, but his words, i was marked. everytime i heard a gay comment i would see if it was about me. i felt that everybody knew.
around 12 i asked my father what if a man kissed me, he turned white and told me just to stay away from that. never to be mentioned again. with him, but i was confused i was liking girls, exploring with playboys and pent house trying to peep under skirts, but in my mind, his words. sometimes i would fantasize about a girl and ended up thinking about oral sex with men, not boys, men. even to the point of being raped.
I HATED MYSELF FOR IT. disgusted.
at 16 i told a person from church. he was 32. some times 3 or 4 guys would watch hbo movies at his house. one day i was left alone with him in the middle of a movie. he changed the channel to a porn channel he told me lets do real men stuff.
it went like that every week for about a month one day he put a gay porn movie and told me that we were going to find out if what that guy said was true. to my shame i was willing to try. we did everything. i got an erection penetrated him to completion then he did me.
but i always kept asking myself why did i felt so dirty if i oviously enjoied it. was i a victim of a coerced raped, or a dumb kid? why do i keep fighting off those urges 25 years later? if you asked me today i still feel dirty about it
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“Life is a storm. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout: Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you”
Alexandre Dumas