Cee -

I want to understand myself. I can't do that if things I don't remember are effecting me. If I could stop it from effecting me, maybe complete denial would work. But as long as it is a factor in my desires and how I treat others, I'd rather have the info I need to handle it.

I hear what you are saying about memories coming up when people are ready for them. I'm glad that's true for some people. For me, memories tend to come up at moments where I really need to be chill (like dealing with other humans) and instead I freak out. So it'd be really nice if I could teach them to come out when I am by myself and have the time for them, instead of when its just going to make me look a nut. I don't know if any of you watch "The Walking Dead," (spoilers here I guess) but in the episodes where Rick sees his dead wife she always shows up at the worst times. That's what it is like for me.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.