I'm never going to get all my memories straight. When I'm not looking, they come up from behind me and attack. But when I'm wanting to deal with them, they all sliver away into the darkness. If I try to hold on to it long enough to write it down, it dissolves.
And all I get for my troubles is a stomach ache and a migraine. Sometimes I don't think its worth it. Other times, I think its the most important thing I can do.
I feel like I am trying to nail a fish to the wall. At best, all I get is a little shimmer and a lingering smell, but all the "meat" falls back into the abyss.
I want a net to catch them. Or maybe a proton laser like in the ghostbuster movies. Then I can keep them in that little yellow box they had and insert them into my memory tank when I'm ready. But instead I just get slimed and they float away.
(For those asking why I want the memories, its because they show up anyway, I want to have a little control over when they show up. So I can interrogate them and figure them out.)
"As long as the child within is not allowed to become aware of what happened to him or her, a part of his or her emotional life will remain frozen . . . all appeals to love, solidarity, and compassion will be useless."
-- Alice Miller