Hey, redandblue. I just came across this post and while I can't give you any help I want to let you know I could have written most of that post myself. It wasn't until I found this site that I realized that this confusion, the conflicting sexual reactions and all of the fantasies/acting out, all of this stuff, is practically normal for survivors! So many men I've met here have struggled with the same kinds of issues. I've been happily married, and live a 'normal' life with even a fairly normal sex life with my wife, but still find that I act out on weird or twisted urges with men and gravitate more to gay porn than straight. I've finally gotten healthy enough to realize it's not sexual or even healthy for me personally, but I still owe it to myself to understand it a little better and really find a way to accept whatever it means. While there's comfort in knowing I'm not alone, I know I have more work to do too,to really come to a place of acceptance or resolution with all of it. I don't talk to anybody-family, wife, friends-other than a few survivors I met at the weekend of recovery, about this stuff. Just the secrecy and shame of it is enough to really interfere with my well-being. It's tough, but you're definitely not alone!