I'm caught up in a horrible situation at work right now and starting to realize it goes right back to my abuse issues. I am seeing patterns where people take advantage of me - so I try to give more, thinking that will make them happy - but it's like feeding a bear at the park - once you run out of food, it suddenly turns into "what have you done for me lately?" God, I kept all my abuser's secrets, I kept him off my sister (or as I later found out, not nearly enough) and kept him happy. And that's what I have been doing in the nonsexual theaters of my life ever since. And not ONE of those situations have I ever received the respect or dignity I felt I deserved. Is it not enough in this world to be good? I always thought goodness and honesty had their rewards but now wonder if it's all just a lie. And while the church extols the virtues of being meek, I see what happens to the meek - as both children and adults.
Current situation - boss hired me on and I've been doing a really good job plus I've taken on a lot of extra assignments not in my job description. Now I'm being bullied like crazy - failed to do this and that - even personal stuff that has nothing to do with the job like what side of the street I park on and what mode of mass transit I take - as unbelievable as it sounds it's really true - just nit-picky stuff with no apparent boundaries.
And as a survivor of abuse, I suppose I still don't know what "triggering" means - although this must be it. I never identified with the word because I always thought of triggering as being lost in a sudden past hallucination - like a soldier's flashback on a bad TV movie or something. But I can't sleep, I'm stressed beyond belief, getting stress patterns in my vision like kaleidoscopes so my BP (usually normal) is probably sky high at times. If that's triggering, then I'm definitely in the club - otherwise I guess I'm not. I even had a disturbing dream that my boss joined me in bed and made me do more work (no sex) - then patted me on the butt when we were done. Woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I swear I fear losing my sanity...
Do some of us survivors wear a sign on our sleeve that says "Kick Me"? How do we kick back? Is that a lesson I should have learned at some point?
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