I'm asking this in forum because I'd like to get a range of answers, including from some of the supporters who may be in mental health or medical fields.
1996-1997: When I was in high school I went to see a therapist who I'll call Dr. V. I saw him for about a year and then went off to college. We didn't talk about my CSA directly (I wasn't aware of it consciously) but we did talk about self-control issues. He helped me a lot during that year.
1997-1998:I went off to college out of state and basically had a meltdown. I spent one year there before bailing and coming home.
1998-1999:I took a year off and worked.
1999-2000: Ithen started going to a local college. During that year, I specifically asked for Dr. V and started seeing him again for issues relating to dissociation.
This second time around, things were very weird. He seemed reluctant to be there and seemed uncomfortable to hear about my issues. After being very unhelpful for a couple of months, I just cancelled my appointments. I felt hurt and confused.
Around 2003, I happened to run across an old diary of my father. Lets not get into the ethics of it, the point is I read it. I learned from it that my mother had started seeing Dr. V. in 1997 after I left for college. She, being nuts, quickly misinterpreted his professional interest for romantic attraction and began stalking him, culminating in her coming to his house and telling him that they should run away together. When he asked her to leave, she parked her car across the seat and sat there for almost a full 24 hours before he called the police. They issued a restraining order. My father's diary didn't say this, but knowing my mother its also possible that she made violent threats regarding Dr. V. or his family or herself.
This happened between my first set of sessions with him and my second set. I think this explains why he was so weird around me the second time. I think he honestly tried to be professional and distant about it and just failed.
But as I didn't know the issues between him and my mother at the time, I came away hurt and it has definitely affected my ability to open up to therapists. I find myself angry at him, but I'm not sure he had any options. Since I specifically asked to see him, he may have felt that refusing to see me would be hurtful to me. But if he was unable to be unaffected by my presence, I wish he would have made it clear to me it wasn't my fault. I can see that he was stuck in a hard position.
I guess I am wondering what you guys thing. Was there anything else Dr. V. should have done instead? Am I being too hard on him? Am I being too easy on him? Lets not get into my mothers role in all this, its just one episode of many in reasons why I hate her. Tonight I am thinking about Dr. V.
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone
just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.