Today’s session with my T was really different. It was no big deal. I didn’t have that much to talk about. We even ended early. I was almost disappointed. As we were winding up, I commented that it was a weird feeling – almost like I was missing all the old drama and emotional roller-coaster. The lows were horrendous, but the highs almost made up for it. and I think I got sort of addicted to the adrenaline rush of all the intense feelings. Now that the supply of newly discovered old memories has slowed to a trickle, there is not nearly as much excitement in my life. (crazy, i know!) I realized that nearly everything we talked about today was concerning external problems, stresses and situations – not my own deep inner issues from CSA and other varieties of abuse. Not that there is no seepage across the boundaries – but that was not the primary focus of the difficulties I’m dealing with right now. he said that maybe this is a good change – that it might be what “most people” experience. Neither of us said the “N” word – but I knew what he meant. Afterwards I thought – this was a BIG event – simply because there was nothing BIG going on.
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho