as to feel any sense of control I purchased a six pack and drank in my car. Bad idea, I know, but I needed to feel like I could be in control of SOMETHING!..... My worthless self esteem gets even lower when I find simple life tasks as such a challenge.
The feelings you are describing here are familiar to many of us. I spent many years using alcohol, drugs, and sex to numb myself to the feelings of self-hatred, anger, fear, and shame. It didn't work well for me. I'm sober now in all respects, but still have to deal with all those feelings. It just took me 42 years to get to this point. Alot of wasted time, broken relationships, and failed careers, along the way.
My suggestion, stay away from the beer and whatever else you might be using, and get some help working through this crap. If you already have a therapist and he/she's not helping enough, fire him/her and get a different one. Don't let anything stand in your way. Recovery IS
possible. We never get over "it", but we can learn to live with it and still be able to have a meaningful life with some happiness in it.....just like normal people
. Don't settle for anything less.