now that I am in the forum on Spirituality, I need to make a short confession. I miss God.
And I am nearing the season when I was widowed. I always thought I was good as a man, but in the back of my mind the CSA left me thinking I was still a used, vile little creature. I really did privately think that. But on the outside appearance, I thought I was good and that God loved me. Anyway, when I finally turned my control with the spouse's cancer over to God, on the dawn of the very next morning I was so privileged to see the Angels I have told you guys of. I shall never forget them.
And time passed. And I became a different me for whatever reason. Doing the things the "good" me would never have done and being with people the "good" me would never have been with. And then the unforgivable occurred and it feels as if my spirit has been ripped away. Thats when the ASA happened.
I don't ask, "Why, God?" with any of the events of my life. I honestly don't. But now to add to the sorrow and the inner disgust I have of being victim/survivor of rape- CSA and ASA- I am finding that I miss God.
As soon as I wrote the "Why, God?" comment above the questions started. If I may, this is what I want to know. And I don't think I will be either funny or sarcastic tonight.
Me: Dear God, in all humbleness and gratitude for the things thereof, I do ask tonight, why me? What was so special about my person that others were permitted to so defile my being at 4? Was it so that 50 years into the future, I could sit in the dark, alone and cry? Why, Father, would those who were supposed to love me hurt me? Why was I alone, God? And, God, when I was raped at 14, what plans for my future were being made? And why didn't you make them stop?
God: He is listening
Me: My married life was a good life, as it should be, God. Thank you for that. But it ended too soon. Why, God? Was it so I could be abused again? Raped again? This I just don't understand and I am so very very tired of being optimistic. And tired of trying to be good. I have tried my whole life to be perfect and it just doesn't work...and God, I'm pissed. I was raped, Father. I was raped and I cried out and no one heard me. The silence is deafening. I know Angels surround me, I have seen them. I usually have that peace deep within, but God, its seems fleeting lately. Why?
Me again: Am I so dirty and disgusting that even You turn away?
i have been maybe a bit dramatic and i sincerely hope not to have offended anyone. Its just that what was is no more and I miss it. And maybe in heaven- or the spiritual realm- there's no place for me. Seems it always like that. On earth, on line, in heaven........"Hey, dude. You might could maybe be over there...".
And I don't worry too much about questioning God tonight. Sarah actually laughed out loud when the Angels came to her and she questioned God.
Angels over all.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.